I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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