He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
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I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.