Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
