Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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