Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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