he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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