During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
