I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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