that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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