Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
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i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
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Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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