i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
