I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
