What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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