Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
