dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
