It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
