I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
