Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
