why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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