hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
