my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
