Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
