planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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