I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
