I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
