my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
