He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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