Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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