i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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