fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
