I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
