Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
