hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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