I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
