my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
