sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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