Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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