Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
