i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
