Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
