I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
