I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
