I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
