I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
