If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
