just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
