Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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