I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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