I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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