At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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