these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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