i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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