If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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