where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
