The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
