I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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