Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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