see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
