Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
