i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have post one night stand depression
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
