I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
